WWW:
- There is a good essay here somewhere but currently lacking in several key areas.
EBI:
- Written English very poor from the first sentence.
- Paragraphs desperately need strong topic sentences to show organisation + direction of argument.
- Textual analysis lacking in detail and media language - give me specific timings for the scene.
- Paragraph 2 (textual analysis) also needs quotes and research to build on point re: romanticising violence (which is a great point).
- Research/quotes in general very poor: 13 footnotes is 20-25 quotes short if you want an A grade.
- Need much more on new/digital impact on certification. Could get loads of quotes in too.
- Conclusion weak ( and titled CONC - did you even proofread this?)
Aspirational Grade: A*
List of things I will change:
- For my second draft I will add more quotes (approximately 20-25) into my critical investigation and to my bibliography.
- I will improve my grammar and sentences in order for them to flow and link together.
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